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The Thirst for Money, and Something Different

It's 6:02am and I stand alone at a train terminal. I wait for the train that seldom comes in the wee morning hours. This is a stupid idea, I think over and over. I'm headed to yet another promotional gig for the launch of a new call phone. Train, teach, repeat. And then tonight they ship me off to Edmonton to do the same thing.

I am so over the promotional thing. I've told myself this many times over, and yet here I stand, waiting, showered and ready to go. Why? I miss the adventure that used to be my life. I miss hanging out and working hard and traveling. But on order to adventure, you need money, and in order to have money, you unfortunately have to work.

And so the circle closes. I sit on the train with the blue collared crowd. The dirty clothes and helmets replace the suits and blackberrys you normally see with the 9-5 scene. Hopefully this satisfies me, or at least distracts me for a bit.

Not in the Mood

I'm going through something that I don't know quite how to deal with at the moment. I pretend to indifferent. Neutral. Okay. But it's a tough time for me.

I wish I was angry so I could come on here and vent my fuken face off. Or maybe eventually I will distance myself and the whole thing will become comical. But as or right now, I'm shut down. I'm going out and I'm drinking and im distracting myself. But I'm not myself. So I don't know when you'll be getting any interesting blogs. Apologies in advance.

I Guess I Could Humour It.

You know what? I love love. I do. I just wish I was in love. People in love look so happy all the time, I mean, who wouldn't want that?

What I don't love, is the fact that everyone puts such a big hype on Valentines Day. As is some chocolates or flowers are that much more special on that day. Much like birthdays, when people are supposed to celebrate being alive and have a day for themselves, I feel like Valentines should be celebrated more than once a year. You should show your squeeze that you adore them all the time, randomly, spontaneously.

I've thought in the past about boycotting the "holiday". I've never even dated, so what's the harm, really? But then I thought about all the other random days I do part-take in. St. Paddy's, International Suit-Up Day, Canada Day, Steak & a Blowjob Day... and I figured, for a person who loves love so much, maybe having a day to celebrate Love isn't such a bad idea.

So I have my love tie on, and, yeah, well that's about as far as that goes. Other than that, the people I do care about, will receive random messages of love from me throughout the year. Because I still stand by the opinion that a pleasant surprise is always better than "expecting" something, and then being disappointed.

Birthday = disappointment
Christmas = disappointment
Valentines = disappointment

And that's what I get for building stuff up in my head. Woe is me.

"Work"

There's a lot of stressful things that people do for work. I don't usually partake in them though. Right now I'm getting paid for hanging out and playing with a pretty awesome phone that I have on loan. I'm complaining in my head about how much my legs hurt how bored I am, and how I could be doing the same thing from the comfort of my couch. When in reality, I should be stoked that I'm not actually doing any real work. If I get paid for doing nothing, the people that actually do stuff should be getting paid substantially more. And that in a nutshell is one of the reasons I love marketing. In the long run, maybe I'll accomplish more.

Routine

I have different contradicting thoughts when I think of having a routine. The idea of doing something relatively the same day after day, almost seems like a dreaded nightmare to me. I like to think that life should be ever-changing and spontaneous, rather than a constant obligation of for-seen circumstances. And yet everyone has a routine on their own. Dinner is at a certain time, you drink at the same watering hole with your core group of friends, and you visit the same theatre every Tuesday for a shitty movie.

Many people blame their mundane lifestyles on their "Responsibilities" or lack of funds; but I don't truly believe that they would escape if given the chance. If I grabbed you, saying that in an hour we're getting on a plane for an unexpected vacation, your work has already approved your leave, and all expenses are paid, I am quite certain that over 50% of the people I'd ask would still find a lame-ass excuse out of it.

The truth is that routine provides people with comfort, and the unknown can be a scary place.

I've worked in promotions the last couple of years. My job description is ever-changing and I'm never sure when or where my next paycheque is coming from. With the new year, i'm considering a full time office position for myself. But can a person with my recklessness really survive in a corporate environment? I've survived many a month bored out of my min and unemployed on the couch, so i don't see any reason for it to be an unrealistic notion. And even still, just the thought makes me want to run away for an impromptu adventure.

The Worst Hour of my Life

When you think of the time in your life when you wanted to shoot yourself, along with everyone around you in the face, many typical scenarios might pop up. That day you unjustifiably lost your job. The time you woke up with the worst hangover you've ever experienced, when you had tears in your eyes and you were promising god that you would be a better person if it would just go away. Well, Calgary theatre has just topped my list.

Me going into the specifics of the play I just saw is unnecessary. Not only do I not want to relive it for the purpose of this blog... I also wouldn't wish that god-awfulness on my worst enemy. What I can tell you, is that as soon as you walk into the venue and see 4 adults in clown make-up...RUN!!!

6 Minutes into the play I was counting down the minutes to its end. It felt like I was part of a brain washing cult and I wanted to shoot pellets at the people who were laughing and encouraging the actors to continue with such none sense. 15 Minutes in they said "Let's kiss" and I vowed to Girlie that I would kiss her right then and there if only it would get us out of there - and that's saying a lot.

Things that I would have rather seen on stage include: beasteality, pedophelia, any number of girl-on-girl bits that would make me highly uncomfortable. I would rather be standing outside waiting for a bus for an hour. I would rather be digging my own grave. There are not enough words for me to think of that could explain the horror I had just witnessed. It's moments like those that I have a flask-full of "emergency Jack" with me, and my detox goes out the window. And as I sat there, trying to convince myself that this was a test of my patience, and imagining breaking in to toilet-paper that theatre, I couldn't fathom what I had ever done in my life to make me deserve such torture.

Withdrawl

I don't think people in general, realize how much of their lives is spent going through withdrawl. If our days are made up of routine, consistency, familiarity then as soon as one factor changes, we tend to go into a state of withdrawl to compensate for it.

If you work a 9-5 job, and suddenly lose it, what will you possibly do to fill those 8 hours of your day. 40 hours of your week that need to be occupied with something, anything in order to keep you from going stir crazy. I don't have a job, and this is something I still have to come to terms with. I wake up, make breakfast, and do the dishes just to have something to do. Then I flip flop between reading books and watching movies until anything better comes along. Sometimes I strive to be pro-active and find a gig, but usually, I just vedge.

And it's the same with a lot of things. Think of your New Years Resolution, it's simple, just DON'T eat that bag of chips. You'll go through the motions, you'll reach for it and then deny yourself of it; but you will also spend time thinking about it, and wanting to cheat.

The biggest thing I need to learn how to withdraw from is my relationships. It's kind of a big deal to have someone in my life every day, and then suddenly not have them around. I remeniss of the past, I imagine a fabricated future, but then I come to terms that it is JUST ME that will always be consistant. Who I am, and who I want to be. (I've been watching One Tree Hill, and that themesong still gets to me)

I've been reading a book on addiction, and subsequently thought I would stop drinking for a few weeks. As much as you could miss a substance like alcohol, the bigger part of "not drinking" is missing the routine of going with your friends to the bar, that's always hard. But it's made me think how much of life's activities are based around addiction. Even a simple thing like going to the gym turns into something that people NEED to do in order to feel complete at the end of the day, and it truly makes you realize that there is always a chance for anything activity to turn into "Too Much of a Good Thing". That's where dependancy kicks in, the big bullying brother of addiction, and no one wants to go there.

We all deal with our withdrawls each day, same as we do our struggles and make different decisions. I guess one thing holds true throughout. You take it one day at a time.

Absurd Views

Yesterday, while in a vehicle listening to a random radio station, I came upon a news brief that made me sick to my stomach. It turns out that a popular magazine put Elton John, his life partner, and their new baby on the cover of this month's issue.

Now, not all people are "FOR" gay marriage and/or the bringing of a child into a gay family, and with that, I could only say that everyone is entitled to their opinion- No matter how stupid, shallow or closed-minded, it is.

The part of the story that got me was when I heard that in that ever-so-friendly neighbouring country to our south, the magazine vendors were forced to hide the cover. That is correct, they have to put plastic covers over a loving family (think playboy/hustler) as if it was something so incredibly offensive that it could not be viewed by the general public. If society could get any more stereotypical, that would shock me.

"Things that are worse than that cover": will be in part 2 of my rant over this issue.

Content

I understand that everyone is a little different; has different values, opinions, ect. And I get that some people get stoked about things that others wouldn't bother with, and that the level of excitement will vary with each person... What I'm wondering, is if being content is like settling for mediocrity?

To me, being content is an awesome thing, as some people perceive me as a negative person. It means I'm on that greater part of the 1-10 scale, that 6-6.5 mark that makes me smile to be alive. But I'm not any of the awesome words. I'm not "stoked" or "elated", nor am I "ecstatic", I'm just content.

I read an article the other day that said even if you force your body to smile or laugh (say, in a mocking, or fake state) it will actually trick your body into thinking you're a happier person. Not that lying to ones-self is a good thing, but I thought it was kinds cool, because let's face it, people feed off each others energy, and there's a lot of negativity out there.

To me, contentment is like treading water. Yup, your nostrils are on the happier side of that equation, you're not drowning, and that wave hasn't pummled you yet, so you have nothing to complain about. But as decent as floating in a state of indifference in the water is, the white sanded island of Ecstaticness is within view, and just a swim away.