this feeling.

I detest daytime hours when i' feeling this way.
I want to crawl into a corner and die. a dark corner, not this one filled with light shining through my windows.
I put my makeup on darker than usual today, wore mainly black clothes.
But the expression on my face would say more than anything else I do.
Me? I'm distraught.

And so I sit and wish for night to fall. Hoping it will bring darkness and a sense of solitude.
A dark solitude in which I could be miserable for a while.
But that's just today, I hope.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll find a way to fix my new found issues.
Maybe I'll feel less resentment, and be overwhelmed with forgiveness.
Maybe we could meet in the middle, and continue life together.

Or maybe I'll continue feeling like all degrees of hell, wanting to jump in the river and just stop trying.

Out of My Element.

A friend of mine asked me to go see a show today. A very talented artist that she had introduced me to about a year ago, was playing in Calgary at some never-before-heard-of-by-me venue.

Having no plans for the night, I agreed to the overpriced (in the ways of I'm used to paying $5 for a show kinda way) performance.

We arrive at a venue where there is a room set up (not a bar, a room). There is a made stage with a semi-circle of chairs set up in front of it, and a roll out bar (with only wine and beer) set up in the corner. Everyone is 40+ except for my friend, me, and another couple.
The performance was good. The artists that played were talented, no doubt... but the atmosphere!

I've bitched a lot about having gone to bars and felt old, since everyone is 19. I keep thinking that maybe I should go out and do new things out of my element. But I am not ready for the posh wine-drinking, gentle hand-clapping, "bravo"-exclaiming crowd that was found at said concert this evening. An 8am set time and a man taking a nap in the back row does not summarize my idea of a good time.

I tried to go to something similar a couple years back when on a visit to Ontario. A punk-type band that I knew were playing an acoustic set at an art opening for a local photographer. Since I have an interest in awesome photos, and awesome acoustic from a band I admire, I convinced my friend Alz to get dressed up "all nice" and come with me. Even at that show, the chocolate fondue and soft-drinks threw us off, but we decided it was good for what it was.

Tonight wasn't a bad night, but would I do it again? Probably not for a few years.

Words that Broke my Heart

Hanging out with the guyfriend the other day (yes, I am seeing someone... so for those of you who have ever met me in your lives, pick your jaws up off the floor, shit happens. For those of you who know me currently, please stop making fun of me, I kinda don't hate him) he had unknowingly spoken some of the most hurtful words to me.

The topic being discussed, is pretty much irrelevant.
The words, I wish he could take back.
His opinion will hopefully change, whether sooner or later.

For 3 days now I've been thinking about the consequences of such words. How they will effect me in the future, and if I could ever really get past their meaning. They haunt me, though I see his reasons for having spoken them. On this one topic, I wish things were different.

(pouring my heart out, even if in a vague way. don't ask)

Apologies.

Alright, so I've gotten enough ridicule from the 3 people that actually read this blog, about not having posted in a while. What can I say? School may be over, but I still fall into my "slacker" tenancies.

I'd like to say "sorry" for having posted nothing, for such a spread of time. And since it's been said, so get over it. Also, you should probably spread the "AnnaB blog" word to others who are bored in their everyday lives, so more than the 3 of you are reading this, and I actually feel motivated to write something.

Lastly, I will reward you all for swinging by the site. You will get 2 very short "thoughts" posted right now, and then one a day for the next few days. You're welcome.